she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
