dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
