Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
