so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
No stitches, just platelets and will power
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
