she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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