I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
