It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
