Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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