$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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