Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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