why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Church boner. Awkwardddd
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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