peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
