I'm so fucking centered right now
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
