Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
