oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
