im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
