Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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