I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
