Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
