I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
