You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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