plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
