I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
ttyl tear gas
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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