A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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