my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I didn't notice because vodka
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
