Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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