Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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