When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
