And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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