I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
