i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize