She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
