I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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