Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
