so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
