Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize