My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
