I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
