I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
