All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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