hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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