Your face is a jimmy john
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize