he shaved USA in his pubs
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
