evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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