I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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