textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
