it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Your cock deserves a montage
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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