Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize