I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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