Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
