The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
