I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
