Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
