i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
