I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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