I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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