Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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