I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
