My Higher Power is John Stamos
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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