why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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