Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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