I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
false alarm. still invincible.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i came on her dog
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
