I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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