Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
