I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
