so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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